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Resume Blunders

• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
• How bad a mistake can you make on your resume?  Here are some real-life examples:
• "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
• "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am a rabid typist."
• "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
• "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
• "Personal interests: Donating blood.  15 gallons so far."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
• "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
• "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
• "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
• "Qualifications: No education or experience."
• "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
• "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
• "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
• Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration.  Hope to hear from you shorty!"

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